


Sex-Ed with Baymax

by Ways



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 18:49:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ways/pseuds/Ways
Summary: When a 17 year old Hiro Hamada has his first one night stand, he returns home hoping everything will be normal. Of course, when your best friend is a health care robot, hiding the fact that you did have such things is impossible. How will he react to Baymax's lesson?





	Sex-Ed with Baymax

**Author's Note:**

> This was a dumb parody I wrote back in 2015 that I thought was funny at the time.

I stagger into my room, my vision swimming just as much as my muddled mind from all the alcohol I had consumed the night before. But that's not nearly as bad as the piercing headache that makes all of it even worse.

All I need is sleep, that'll make it better. And that's what I do, once I finally find my way over to my bed after a bout of half conscious stumbling. The unceremonious thump of my body meeting the bed resounds throughout the room.

Sadly that same thump is what warrants the attention of a certain marshmallow-esque companion of three years.

"Hiro?" Baymax asks. "Where have you been?"

 _Dammit._ I sigh. "I was busy, Baymax."

"You were busy for a whole night?" Baymax asks.

"Yes…" I mumble.

"Oh." Baymax says.

Seeing that as what I hope is the end of the conversation I try to fall back asleep.

Of course knowing Baymax…

"Is that why I detect a hint of alcohol in the room?" He asked. "It slightly increases whenever you speak."

"I got sick and had to take some alcohol to calm me down." I lie. _Terrible excuse, I know. But even smart guys like me can't come up with good excuses during a hangover._

Baymax however, didn't buy it. "I disagree Hiro. I think you have been consuming alcohol, most likely at a party."

"No Baymax… it was not a party…"

"Then a bar perhaps?" The robot inquires.

"No."

"A restaurant?"

"No."

"A gentlemen's club?"

"N- wait how do you know what a gentlemen's club is?" I actually get up and say this, slightly sobering up, only slightly.

Baymax just blinks at me. "I am Baymax. I know many things."

"Yeah… Fred told you didn't he?"

"No, it was Gogo."

I raise an eyebrow at that, getting a little more sober. "How does that happen?"

Baymax ignores the question and instead he goes back to the original subject. "What you are experiencing now is what is known as a hangover and is normal for people who have undertaken the consumption of alcohol."

"I am _not_ having a hangover _."_ I insist.

"Lying will not help you, Hiro." Baymax stated.

"I am not ly-"

Baymax ignored me again. "You are probably experiencing a piercing headache,"

A stab of pain erupts in my mind.

"Drowsiness,"

My eyes lightly droop at that. But I'm able to force them open.

"And nausea."

My cheeks lightly bulged at that as my face turned a little green at that as the vomit rises. But I swallow it; I can't let Baymax be right.

"But that is not the least of my concerns, Hiro." Baymax confirms.

"Great, there's more?" I deadpan.

Baymax, of course doesn't get my sarcasm and continues his diagnosis. "I detect slight strain in your pubic region as well as traces of seamen in your boxers."

My eyes shoot open at that. _How could he possibly… oh yeah health care robot._ "Baymax?!"

"This leads me to believe that you have participated in one of the two following acts," The robot confirms. "Either masturbation or sexual intercourse."

_And… now I'm sober._

_Again, how the hell does he know all this? Health care robot or not it still bothers me a little. But like any dude I deny it._ "I didn't masturbate-"

"Yes, I know." Baymax said. "You've clearly engaged in sexual intercourse."

"No, I haven't!" I insist.

"I find that hard to believe." Baymax stated. "Due to the time that you were away, I believe that you engaged in what you people call a 'one night stand.'"

_I keep forgetting I can't get anything past Baymax. The guy knows everything. I'm just wondering where he learned all this…_

I shake my head. "No! No one night stands!"

"Would you prefer I use the term 'booty call?'" Baymax asks. "Our friend Fredrick has recommended that I use more slang terms."

"No!" I yell. "Not a booty call."

"One night stand it is." Baymax said, probably would've smirked if it weren't for the bell shaping the inside of his head. [1]

"You also performed a 'walk of shame' which I can tell due to your uncombed hair, rumpled clothes and your overall disheveled appearance."

"Walk of Shame?" I ask.

"It is the act after a one night stand in which the one who has had gone to have sex at their partner's house must walk home by themselves." Baymax recited.

_I guess I did do that. I didn't know doing this would have so many things that you needed to know._

"Okay… but that doesn't help since I didn't have sex." I say.

"Perhaps you didn't know what you did." Baymax inquires.

I raise an eyebrow at my robotic companion. "What?"

"Sexual intercourse is the act in which a man and a woman join together in a point of overwhelming affection. It is there that they join together in which the man uses his peni-"

"Baymax stop!" I scream. "I know what sex is."

"That is the area of the woman that they insert said body part into. Once that is done the man will start to ejac-"

"Baymax…"

"And will eject seamen."Baymax finished. "Are you satisfied with your care?"

"No I am not satisfied, because I did not have sex!" I scream, not quite realizing that I just avoided the end of the robot's oblivious torment.

"I see." Baymax said. "Then I shall continue."

I groan. _Why did I have to continue to argue?_

"Hiro, you are seventeen years old." Baymax states.

I wait, but he just blankly stares at me.

I roll my eyes. _Love Baymax and all but damn, having a robot for a best friend is annoying sometimes._ "Yes, yes I am seventeen Baymax."

"And as your peer, Hiro, it is important that I remind you that it is socially immoral to engage in sexual intercourse as a teenager." Baymax stated.

_And now Baymax is giving me the speech, as much as I love him and all, the last thing I wanted to hear is the speech about purity._

"I know and I'm sorry…" I sigh, hopefully trying to get the robot to believe me.

Baymax ignores me, _again,_ and continues. "Although it is natural to have these new thoughts and feelings due to the thoughts and feelings of adolescence, you should not submit to your natural urges."

My face slightly flushes at that. "I-I was not subm-mitting to my n-natural urges."

Baymax walks over to me, in his usual penguin-esque way, before he wraps his arms around me, his belly heating up in the same way he always does when he hugs me. Despite the awkwardness of the whole situation, I can't help but smile a little at the robot's comfort. He then pats me on the head a bit. "There… There…"

I raise an eyebrow at the soft robot's coo. "There… there?"

"Yes." Baymax said. "Fred has shown me a show, a comedy, which portrays how you, Gogo, Honey Lemon and Wasabi function in society."

I sigh. "We are not the cast of _The Big Bang Theory._ "

"Of course not." Baymax says. "None of you act like Sheldon Cooper who is played by Jim Parsons but you do remind me of the Leonard character."

"I do not- you know what, never mind."

"I agree; we have veered off course from the original point." Baymax said. "You should not have sex again; you should wait until marriage or at least until your early to mid twenties when it is a little more acceptable to society."

I push away from the robot, huffing in annoyance.

"It's okay." He reassures me, finally acknowledging me when I haven't said anything.

"Just out of curiosity have you had this conversation with anyone else?" I ask.

"No," Baymax answers. "Ms. Tamogo will not let me and Wasabi seems to avoid me after he has engaged in such acts."

"Okay…" I drone, not even bothering to ask about my other friends.

"But just to assure that you take my message seriously, let me show you some of the diseases that you can attain from having sex." Baymax says.

"What?"

"They are known as Sexually Transmitted Infections –otherwise known as STI's- and are caught after engaging in sexual intercourse."

And like that Baymax goes on to show me pictures of things that I probably could never forget. The horror of it all constantly makes me look down at my crotch wondering if it's worth it.

"And that is why you should refrain from having multiple partners and wait until you are older to engage in sexual intercourse."

I just stare blankly at the robot, the things he has shown me still at the forefront of my mind.

"Are you satisfied with your care?"

"Uh…"


End file.
